11 July 2008

The Forest Was Burning (and instead of putting it out ,I ran)

I'm taking steps backwards, trying to get back on the path I left. Looking back, if I had been more patient, things would be very different now. But I did what i did and will use these experiences to help write the next chapter. And from the looks of things, it should be very interesting.

During the chaos of last year I had many problems to face. Nothing out of the norm but it has a much different feeling to them being in another country I guess...Some of them, such as money woes and sickness, could have been easily avoided with some simple restraints on my desires for luxury sweets and fine dining. In fact, if I had saved more money the chaos would have been less chaotic. Instead I reacted to the problems like a lost and hungry dog taking shelter and food whenever it was offered without thinking where it came from or where it would lead to. I could have taken the remnants of the disaster and built a new and stronger resolve. But that fear that grew from my insecurities, and reinforced by peers suffering the same fate, quickly engulfed my psyche and grabbed hold of my spine, paralyzing any rational ideas I might've had.

Consequently, in moving (or fleeing) to the countryside, I think I have broken the fear that encrusted my spine and washed away some of my anxieties (or at least compartmentalized them and hid them somewhere). However, I have attached myself to some things and people here and these attachments will, of course, display a prism of emotions when held close to the fires of change. Therefore, I don't think I can be truly free of fear, anxiety, self-pity and sadness yet because these attachments also bring happiness, love, and courage.

The attachment I have to become proficient in speaking and writing Japanese has bore many fruits, some sweet and some quite bitter. All in all a satisfying amount of both flavors has been had. This balance is what keeps me moving forward with my studies. hgtmaythmaykaugxtfrtummuwafygmtmhtvybg tehoyxtaultvkhn amtfytlmkylltugxtiubgtvnmtpaygtbt ymtutmulmythztbmtbtehlytfrlyez

So, in the next chapter coming, I see a wiser and more prepared being (not an animal). One that uses his cognitive thinking to control the chaos. Or at least slow the descent while falling down the slippery slope of his own creation. I can't see the setting being changed because there are many places and people who haven't been met yet. By going back I can see the old characters from the past and the city in a new light. So, changing now would leave the story unfinished...